Spare Change

Iˆ‚ve been complaining for the past few weeks about how much I donˆ‚t look forward to going to class anymore. Iˆ‚d been articulating a vague annoyance and frustration with the process of going to class, but nothing else beyond that. Well, now I think Iˆ‚m in a space where I can be a bit more articulate about what it is thatˆ‚s been bothering me. And, well ˆñ when I lose my powers of articulation, I start holding things in, which is never a good idea.

Class ˆñ going to class seemed to be restricting me, restricting my growth ˆñ not necessarily as a scholar but as a person. This is a pretty radical change for me, because I used to love going to class. I used to love interacting with my teachers and classmates. I used to love the exchange of ideas that Iˆ‚d gotten out of books and articles and papers on profound topics. But thatˆ‚s not really where my passions or interests lie anymore.

Yet, I remember times when I loved this life, loved going to class, loved talking to Carol after class about theory and analysis. Loved sitting in my room with Cody talking about Lord knows what arcane minutiae. Iˆ‚d remember this love, remember these times, remember these places in my life and fight my current ambivalence. I USED TO LOVE THIS, my mind would scream. However, last night I came to terms with the fact that those times have passed, those places are not where I am now and so those passions shouldnˆ‚t guide my life any longer.

I love my life as it longs to be lived. I love my life, as it currently desires to be. I love my wife. I love spending time with her. I love the life and the home and the future that weˆ‚re creating together and my former passions for going to class and all that entails appear to be getting in the way of this love. Yes, I have friends here who are married and have great marriages. Yes, I have friends here who have children and are amazing scholars. However, Iˆ‚m not them and I need to stop comparing myself to the amazing people Iˆ‚m surrounded with, because while I know that I, too, am amazing; I am not amazing in the same ways as them.

And thatˆ‚s OK.

When this semester started I wasnˆ‚t looking forward to going to class the way I looked forward to teaching. I can be myself when I teach, something that I am feeling less and less able to do when I am a student. Iˆ‚m sick of the disapproving glances of professors when I open my mouth. Iˆ‚m tired of contributing to a class discussion to be met with silence. Iˆ‚m no longer willing to bite my tongue in class and conform to an outdated and Anglocentric conception of appropriateness. Itˆ‚s just grown to be too much to bear. Itˆ‚s grown to be completely isolating.

Itˆ‚s been rough and alienating to be here. Yes, I have some great friends here, wonderful friends that I love having over to the house on the weekends or going out with on a random Tuesday night. However, itˆ‚s as if I donˆ‚t know anyone when I walk into a classroom. This sense of alienation has taken different forms here. For example, from day one Iˆ‚ve been feeling more and more like Iˆ‚ve been reading the wrong books. As if what Iˆ‚d read had totally not been what others had read and when I opened my mouth to offer my two cents ˆñ the blank looks have been deafening/the silence blinding.

This semester started out to be worse than any that had come before it. My alienation was starting to wear on me and my mind started racing, my energy clouding ˆñ I had to figure out how to get what I came here for, because walking the path Iˆ‚d laid out two years ago just wasnˆ‚t working. I tried to make things better this semester, but as the weeks ticked off, I realized that I wasnˆ‚t doing the work I needed to do outside of the classroom to be the kind of student I wanted to be inside the classroom ˆñ

ˆñ So I dropped my sociology class and picked up a shitton of thesis hours instead. Yeah, Iˆ‚m probably going to have to take a class or two in the fall to get out of here with an M.A. but Iˆ‚m just not in the mental or emotional space right now where I can make myself to go class and like it. Itˆ‚s seriously pissing me off and I donˆ‚t have the energy to be pissed anymore. Maybe yesterday, but not today, Iˆ‚ve got too much good shit going on in my life right now to allow that crap to get in my way.

What do I need from yˆ‚all?

I need folks to hold me accountable. Iˆ‚m going to post my weekly goals on this site and then ask this community to hold me to those deadlines.

First Goal: Write a thesis proposal by Sunday at 10p Central.