I Did Change My Mind

First day as a TA; discman packed, bus pass in hand I headed up the hill to KU. Such a strange and different world from my undergrad days. I have to take a bus to class, gone are the days of mindlessly wandering down the middle of College St. staring at the colors of the leaves, or the ice on the ground. The only thing that hasn't changed, is the discman in my bag.

The music hasn't changed much either. Wheras before I'd have Sugar's Besides in as an undergrad, the graduate version of me rocks out to their The Joke Is Always On Us, Sometimes Is there a significance to the difference? I don't really know.

I got to campus and did some paperwork before walking over to class with my fellow TAs. I felt slightly underdressed on the walk over. I'm the only male TA for this class, and the other two women looked very nice in their casual skirts. I, was out of place in my khaki shorts. Shorts, I now realize, just aren't professional enough for this situation.

This got me to thinking that I really had no socially acceptable response to the casual, flowy skirt. Sure, I'll probably go the Dockers route for the rest of the term, but they're just not as fun as shorts or the flowy skirt. Yup, there is no male counter-salvo to the flowy skirt, and that saddened me today as I felt conspicuous by being the only authority figure whose legs you could see.

Nena suggested I just wear a flowy skirt, tell them I'm a Carl and let that be that. Sadly, however, I don't think that telling people it's OK because of where I did my undergrad is going to work in this case. Her suggestion also made me think of just wearing it and using it as a teachable moment re: gender construction. But again, I just don't think it's going to work. Eh, it really doesn't matter, I'll just start wearing pants and be done with this conundrum.

In the midst of all of these thoughts, a student spoke to me. What he said, or needed to know isn't important. What is important is that he called me "Mr. X." I was stunned for a second. My father, he 6th grade math teacher, is "Mr. X." I'm Nenie, not mister. Then I realized, to his 18 year old eyes, I was my father, pants or no. In that moment, I didn't know how to feel about any of that. All I could do was answer his question as best I could.

On my way home, I was listening to Sugar, as I had on the way up the hill. The songs ripped through, one after another, and I began to think of my time in Minnesota. First to NicePersonality who shares my love of this band, then to the many associations Sugar has to that period of my life. Most of all, to a romantic past that I'm glad to be ending, that's when I reached my stop.

I got off the bus and started the short walk home, when If I Can't Change Your Mind came on. This was the late undergrad anthem for me. Not the full on album version off of Copper Blue but rather the solo mix off of Besides.

There I was, then. With a third version of the text blaring into my ears, Bob Mould's voice twisting the familiar candences of an old friend. In that moment, I noticed something that I hadn't made note of before. In this version, there isn't the longing of the other versions. This version is more intense than any of the others, and it does it without the longing. This song isn't a plea anymore, it's a defiant statement. The mind hasn't been changed, and he's OK with that, he's moved on. Yeah, that's right. Moved on.

There I was, standing in the parking lot, I had my old theme song again, to guide me through my new life. The words are the same, but the meaning is different. Is there significance to the difference? Hell yeah. This version belongs to Mr. Cruz. And my dad doesn't listen to Sugar.